Holding on... even through the 'Two Week Wait'

Featuring
Stephanie Cottam
So, here it is … again. The count-down begins. Every month it’s the same thing and as much as Hubby tells me to, “forget about it, love” I can’t. It’s always there. Like the annoying noise from an electrical appliance, or a street light shining through the bedroom curtains at night, it’s just there. There’s nothing I can do about it; I can try to forget about it, but …

nope, it’s still there.

The Two Week Wait. Some of you have no idea what I mean. Some, are fully aware of the emotional impact behind those three innocuous words: Two Week Wait. The countdown between hope, and failure. The countdown between silent anticipation, and the devastating blow of another failed month. This is the ongoing monthly battle with infertility.

This war raging against my emotions which can potentially destroy every ounce of faith I ever thought I had; or … it is the thing which pulls me closest to God. Since we first started TTC (trying to conceive) I have experienced both of these extremes, and everything in between.

I mean, let’s be honest, I know that having children is not a right we’re entitled to, despite how some women behave, children are a gift from God. But I don’t mind admitting how badly I struggle when I read verses like, “The fruit of the womb is a reward” Psalm 127:3 or “women will be saved through the giving of birth to children” 1 Timothy 2:15. It causes me to wonder what I have done wrong for God to withhold His blessing from me.

I know God doesn't work like that, because He is faithful to forgive us when we mess up, sin and truly repent. He has good gifts He wants to bestow upon us. But this kind of on-going journey to conceive my own baby is relentless. It tests everything I believe. It pulls at everything I have ever been taught in Church, Sunday School or in my own studies.

And this is why I have to draw close to God, because I have nothing else to hold onto but Him. At first, I tried to make doctrine, theology, good song lyrics and positive sermons my foundation for strength in the battle. But I've realised that none of these are actually God (surpriiise!!). He alone is my hope as I face the fear of failing each month. He is my security when I consider a future without a child of my own. He is my strength when I collapse in a heap at the unfairness of another month going by without the “happy ending” my heart longs for. I have to turn my eyes to Him. I have to hold onto Him. I have to allow Him to be my everything – even above Hubby.

I don’t have any guarantee of a happy ending to my journey, I only have the guarantee God will walk each step with me, and when I need Him to, He’ll carry me.

Connect with Stephanie on Facebook and Twitter

Find out more and keep up to date with Steph's journey on her blog, Journey for Bubba
Check out her website with more information about her speaking events and her book Ready or Not - He is coming, Exploring the meaning behind the Day of his return and asking, will you be ready?



4 comments:

  1. A moving testimony, Stephanie. Sheridan Voysey, author and broadcaster, shared a similar story at Christian Resources Together last June. He shares this in his book, Ressurection Year and I believe he also blogs. You can hear him speak about writing his book on my website: http://www.melmenzies.co.uk/

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    1. Thank you Mel for posting this talk by Sheridan. I remember listening to him at the New Media Conference last year, and he is a great communicator. I so relate to what he was saying... Do you mind if I post a link to this on my blog, please?

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  2. This is a really brave post Stephanie. It is a hard journey and I remember well the disappointment each month that I worked to hide, even from myself. But even if - like for me and my hubby - children remain one of God's not-givens, He is still good. He really is! This little interview with John Piper on some really helpful verses in Isaiah have been a source of strength and hope for me. Forgive me putting the link of his interview clip to my own blog but I couldn't find it on YouTube: http://www.mandybakerjohnson.com/2013/03/john-piper-on-infertility/

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    1. Thanks Mandy, I heard John Piper speak this last year, and was really encouraged by what he had to say, so thank you for the reminder! It's funny how we do try to hide stuff from ourselves, as well as from those around us!

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